By Shirley Pearson, MA, CAGS, School Psychologist (ret)
In order to create a more peaceful society, it is necessary to raise our children without physical assaults or verbal abuse. This article offers some strategies that will help achieve this goal.
Most of us picture parenthood as an exciting time and look forward to loving, nurturing and protecting the wonderful “bundle of joy” that will join our lives. Babies are, indeed, adorable and we all love to be with them, EXCEPT when problems arise in the area of discipline as they grow and learn.
We are all born with intrinsic needs. Early in our lives survival is the most crucial, and we need parents to provide food, warmth, clothing, shelter and security in order to grow and thrive. As we grow and thrive because of the parents who have taken loving care of our survival needs, other emotional/psychological needs emerge. These include:
LOVE AND BELONGING – being part of a loving family and having friends.
POWER – self awareness, self-worth, self-esteem, success.
FREEDOM – making choices and decisions about our lives.
FUN – playing, learning and engaging in enjoyable activities.
So what can parents do to provide an environment to help their children grow physically, psychologically and emotionally? We all develop pictures in our minds of people, things and activities that make us happy. If parents have loved and nurtured us, we will probably want to please them. As children grow, they need to learn the rules of appropriate behavior from their parents. All behavior is purposeful, and we use it to fulfill our needs and wants. For example, when a toddler runs into the street, a parent removes him from the danger and tells him “No, no”, and explains to him the danger of running into the street. Because children are naturally curious, his want was to explore, and the parent’s want was to keep him safe. As children grow up, they develop many wants in addition to their needs. Parents generally supply their needs, however, certain “wants” may be harmful to the child, and that is where peaceful strategies are helpful. It is best if these strategies are started as soon as children are able to understand rules and consequences, but it is “better to start late than never”. Following are a couple of strategies that have been shown to work in many families. These strategies are designed to prevent or to solve family conflicts in a peaceful way, avoiding yelling, blaming, ridiculing, spanking, etc.
(1) FAMILY MEETINGS: Parents meet with their child to discuss how to live together in loving, peaceful ways. This requires agreeing on basic reasonable rules and consequences. There will be some rules that parents must enforce that are nonnegotiable. For example, doing homework and using appropriate language with family members. Other rules having to do with chores, bedtime, etc. can be negotiated, depending on the age of the child. Consequences for rule infraction should be clear and agreed upon. Drawing up this agreement is not always easy and will require compromise on the part of parent and child. It should be kept brief and to the point, written down and signed. Include a date for reviewing either the agreement or the plan to see if it is working well for both parties. If at any time the plan is not working for either party, the child or parent can ask for another meeting right away.
(2) PROBLEM SOLVING:
• Discuss peacefully – Ask, “What is the problem? What did you want when you used the inappropriate behavior?” Name the behavior specifically. Never ask why, as this question will lead to a string of excuses for the behavior.
• Decide together what each of you is willing to do to solve the problem.
• Make a plan for success. Write down exactly what each of you will do and set a time for reviewing the plan. The younger the child, the shorter the time should be for review. Both parties sign the agreement.
• Try the plan for an agreed amount of time, and meet to evaluate what is working and what needs to be revised to make the plan work. Child or parent can call another session before the specified time if the plan is not working.
• Follow the revised plan or continue with the original plan if it is working well.
It is very important that these meetings be peaceful. If yelling, blaming or inappropriate language are used by either party, the meeting should be stopped and rescheduled.
Basically, we all engage in inappropriate behavior or misbehavior at times to meet our needs or wants. The major acting-out behaviors generally fall into the following three categories: self-indulgence, non-compliance and aggression. Here are some examples of the behaviors and appropriate consequences.
(a) Self-indulgence: having a tantrum, crying, whining, pouting, nagging, lying, cheating. It’s best to tell the child that you will talk when he/she has calmed down. Don’t try to reason with anyone engaging in this type of behavior until they have calmed down. If you are in a public setting, lead the child away, or if an adolescent, you remove yourself until the person is calm. Follow up with a Problem Solving session.
(b) Non-compliance: refusal to comply with reasonable rules and/or requests, stalling when asked to do something. If the child is very young the parent can lead her/him through the task and then give objective feedback; for example, the child refuses to pick up toys, lead her through the task and tell her, “Look, all the toys are put away. Now we can do - (whatever activity would be next, hopefully something pleasant or fun). Follow up with a Problem Solving session.
(c) Aggression: behavior that directly affects others in a harmful way or
damages/destroys property or objects. Some examples of verbal aggression are name-calling, put-downs, teasing and belittling another person. Physical aggression includes bullying, hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, stealing, etc. When a child becomes aggressive, an immediate time-out should be given. The length of the time-out should be the child’s age plus five minutes for pre-adolescent children. For adolescents, privileges should be removed for a time. Follow up with a problem solving session.
Agreeing on a family plan with age-appropriate rules and consequences will help you and your children enjoy life together in FAMILY HARMONY.
1 Glasser, William REALITY THERAPY, New York: Harper & Row, 1965.
The author of this article is a retired School Psychologist and has taught these strategies to parents, children and faculty in schools. For additional helpful information on parenting, she recommends PEACEFUL PARENTING by Dr. Nancy Buck. You can contact her office to order her book by calling 401-662-5788, or writing to PEACEFUL PARENTING, P0 BOX 1315, CHARLESTOWN, RI, 02813. You can also order online atsusanpeacefulparenting.com. The book costs $14.00 plus $3.99 shipping and handling. There is also a companion workbook which may be helpfuL
